Hello people in the online world. So I have left my blog dormant for almost 2 years. Two years full of parenting (specifically a toddler), volunteering at church, doing Girl Scouts (UGH), full time work, and taking care of a husband and household.
But everything came to a screeching halt a couple weeks ago. My job, my beloved job, ended abruptly. I realized very suddenly that much of my self identity, and self worth came from my job and the upward climb that it had allowed me. And all of a sudden I was a stay at home mom. I went from four hours of sleep a night to taking a daily nap (perk of being a SAHM when your kids go to school). I went from never having a minute free to having three hours of alone time four days a week. At first it was nice, I hadn't had a vacation in quite a long time. But then when I had lunched with all my friends, and hung out at the coffee shop, went to all the doctor appointments, and reorganized all the closets, there was this vast feeling of nothingness.
At first the nothingness was just a glum feeling, something that kept me from doing extra cleaning and watching Netflix instead. (I'm on quite the Criminal Minds run - I mean Derek Morgan and Dr. Reid?) But then I was laying on the couch all day. And then I spent a couple days where I didn't get out of bed.
I have a long history of depression, probably since puberty. I struggled through high school. I failed during college. Then I had my babies. A reason to exist. A reason to keep on keeping on. There were some times since my girls were born that I faltered. My husband would come home from work, the house would be significantly cluttered. The kids would be in their PJs, and all the Disney movies they had watched through out the day strewn all over the floor. But the girls were happy and taken care of and after a good night sleep I was fine.
This time was different. A good night sleep didn't fix it. Hugs from my girls didn't fix it. Even losing myself in Netflix didn't do it, and if Derek Morgan and Dr. Reid can't solve your problems who can? And the answer is right now: I don't know. I don't know what is going to make this feeling go away. But I know that I have to keep on keeping on because the three lovely ladies who pictures are featured on this page need me. Not just to be around and feed them, but to help them along this road of life that just isn't easy.
So I have made some appointments with a counselor. I have set my alarm to get up and run. And I have admitted this is out of my hands this time. So I'm going to blog it out. Why you may ask? Because we have to stop being afraid. As women, as mothers, as members of the human race, we have to stop being afraid to admit that sometimes we don't have it under control. That sometimes life is overwhelming. But also I want to right to give hope. I can beat this. But it might take time and it will be a process. And if one person can read this and know they don't have to be ashamed to get help. That they don't have to be ashamed to acknowledge that they need help. And that help is there and show you the way through.
